So I was right. Just so you know.

I don't start my new job for another week... I'm going crazy!

Skylar has become a great joy to me, lately. Even tho, she can be a holy terror sometimes... I think she's almost what I needed for ME to see things how they should be in my life right now. Play with your toys, really don't care about much else besides food and harassing the dog... Life in her eyes is that simple. I realized a lot in the past two days. I need to quit worrying so dang much. Things will work out... they may not always work out the way I want them to, but they do eventually work out the right way.

It's been really hard dealing with things lately... I lose my temper really easily anymore, most of the time it's hard to piss me off. I, for some reason - have had a problem dealing with different emotions all at once going on. I stress out easily, and I lash out in anger and lose my patience easier when I'm stressed. which in turn makes me feel even worse then before.

I honestly think maybe a lot of the emotions going on are purely situational... but maybe going back on meds and seeing someone to talk about things wouldn't be such a bad idea. My biggest problem with that - I felt like I was dependent on pills for happiness, and that if anyone found out I was seeing a therapist - what would they think of me? Granted, the past - is exactly that... the past. I had a hard time dealing with things my senior year of high school... and pills and a therapist and my mother were the best things to ever happen to me then... could have possibly saved me from doing something incredibly stupid.

Sometimes, I really don't know what I want out of life... I mean sure, I have like this whole set of plans... but sometimes I don't think any of it is realistic. I've been told I have my head on more straight than most girls my age... (I think they were crazy, haha). Maybe I do... but I get confused just like the next person. I'm scared. Scared of failure. Scared of rejection. scared of everything.

I need a push, a motivation... I just don't know what it is. I am trying so hard to make my life something... and I feel like I'm doing nothing but failing at it. I don't want to be like my brothers and sisters... I don't want to be like anyone in my family. I want to be different. I am trying so hard, and I think I need to stop caring so much about what I am going to turn out like... and just do my thing.

The things I want most out of life... I want to finish school, get a great job - steady and worth it. I want to meet a guy that is something more than just like all the rest. I want to fall in love. I want to get married, and have children all some day. I am not rushing into any of it. I just wish even a small piece in that direction would come my way.