So, the whole Pennsylvania trip didn't go as well as I had planned. Things aren't on a "romantic" side of life for me between Josh and I. We're just friends. He doesn't want to leave PA, because he has a lot of things going for him. I'd be willing to move there, but he thinks that's not a good idea because it would seem like forcing a decision upon me. As crazy as it sounds, I don't think he had the same feelings when I got up there as we talked about. That's just a nice way of saying - I don't like you. He told me all the feelings were there, and that the distance would be hard... yadda yadda... who knows - I give up, seriously. I try so hard for one thing in my life to be perfect - and I thought I had it, and I really don't. I am thankful that he will always be a part of my life, even if it is just a friend.

I've been pretty upset since I've been home. For the first night in almost 3 or 4 nights, I didn't talk to Josh on the phone... I bawled my eyes out last night. I cried pretty much all the way to Washington DC for my flight change and half the way to Kansas City - which I would have probably cried more, but I fell asleep. He has a wonderful family, and great friends... and I just wish I could be more of a part of it, you know? Oh well, Life will go on.

Before I left, I felt like I might be setting myself up for disappointment, somehow... but I ignored those feelings. I let my heart do all the thinking, and I'm realizing that I need to quit doing that, I just keep getting hurt.

I decided that there are a lot of aspects of my life that need to be changed. Sure, I say that a lot, but this time I'm serious and I'm going to stick with them. I'm not doing this for anyone else anymore, I'm doing it all for myself. Is that selfish? How can I expect to make someone else happy, if I'm not happy?

The trip was nice, though. It was a different kind of change... It's gorgeous up there. Mountains, and the way things were set up were really cool. We went shopping and bowling on Saturday. Watched a lot of movies, met his family, had a nice New Years with a bunch of his friends until someone hit his car out in the parking lot. So we left early. I attended a catholic church for the first time ever, and I actually really liked it, even if I was kind of clueless on what to do.

I met Teej. He's cool. and a bunch of others I've talked to over the years.

Anyway, this is huge... I still have more to write, just don't know what to say right now.