So I've decided.... I'm gonna be single forever. I was in such a hurry to find someone and fall in love. Now, I'm just dealing with it. Whenever I see movies with love scenes, or people that are together... my heart hurts. It makes me seriously sick....... I wish I could have all that, but it seems like I'm not good enough to be anyone's girlfriend.... only their friend. You know the sayings - "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride" fits me perfect. I am not looking to get married tomorrow... but I want something meaningful.... I'm so tired of guys that are out there for one thing - and don't care. Sure all that is good, but I don't want that kind of relationship. My Mom tells me that my mentality is not of a 20 year old girl.... I think much differently. I don't play games, I'm brutally honest, and it gets me nowhere. *sigh*

I don't even have many friends anymore. I pushed everyone away. I've changed so much in the last 6 months, its crazy. I quit drinking altogether - not even a social drinker anymore... it's amazing how many people just seemed to be my drinking buddies and what not. I haven't had a drink in 6 months. My 21st birthday is right around the corner, but it doesn't mean much to me. I think the only real thing I want to do is go to a bar in Overland Park just to be able to sit there past 11pm. I don't even want to drink, just sit at a bar because I can - isn't that messed up? I used to get kicked out at 11 for being underage while all my friends got to stay....

Things have been extremely tense at home. I'm still trying to find a job down here.... but workin walmart and babysitting on the side for extra cash til I can do so. Blockbuster called me. I still need to call them back today. Money issues... there is none, basically.

My dad sent me 300 dollars last week. Which really helped out... My mom is the one who asked for that... That's about as much as I've ever seen from him my entire life. More on that story....

My aunt from Dallas was up all week - didn't call any of us. I was upset about that - My dad emailed Tim, asked if he wanted to come down here and gave him Aunt Peg's cell phone number. He called it, and ended up riding back down with her to Dallas so my Dad could get him there and bring him to Houston. I asked if I could see Aunt Peg before they left, and she basically said she didn't have time. I haven't seen her since I was 11. She fits perfectly in with the Horton's... let me tell you. Anyway, my Dad is supposedly bringing Tim home around my birthday. I've waited for 20 years on stupid promises like that, so I'm not wasting my breath. We'll see. I am extremely upset about all that, I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it's hard.

I wish I were 31, still living at home with my parents and mooching off them, didn't have a job, didn't try to help out and be an asshole and let everyone pay for me. Don't get me wrong, he's great most of the time... I love him, he's my brother...but I'm 20... almost 21. I haven't really lived at home since I was 18 (except for the few months that I had to move back in due to my illness), I have kept a shitty job (even tho I HATE it) and I struggle to make ends meet. What help I do get from my parents, I greatly appreciate.. at least I make an effort. I'm just tired of trying so hard and never getting ahead.

I'm tired of smiling and pretending everything is ok... I'm not going to hold back anymore. if whatever I said above upsets you. I don't care.

I'm back to my "fuck everyone" mentality once again... we all knew it was coming.