I want to know why:

I cry.

I'm screaming silently inside.

I'm happy for a moment, then I lose it.

I'm free but I hold back.

I hate myself every time I look in the mirror.

I drown in self pity.

I eat a tub of ice cream, then feel so much guilt that I can't move.

I am ashamed.

I hide from everything.

I feel more than I can take.

I don't see myself as others see me.

Everyone knows me, even when I don't.

I feel so sad.

I run from it all.

My heart races when I see him.

When I laugh, everything is ok in the world.

He hugs me and it feels safe.

I can't forgive myself, sometimes.

A certain scent can do so many things.

I can only see the big picture, not all the details.

it feels so good to accomplish a goal.

Sometimes all I see are the details, and not the BIG picture.

My heart aches.

I feel secure.

~ And I just really want to know why I am unable to be whole. Was I born with a failure inside of me tht doesn't allow me to change? I spend my days scared. What if I never change? What if there are no reasons at all? What if I am the way I am forever and there is nothing I can do about it? So I look for an answer to make the confusion go away. Everyday I wake up searching with only the hope that someday something will be found that will make this endless longing go away.

A longing to change for the better.

Have you ever wanted something so bad you couldn't breathe?

I can't breathe.