If I could hear out of my left ear, I would be just dandy otherwise. I can't imagine going from normal to being deaf... how sad that is. Never to hear music again. I'd die. It feels completely weird. The Doctor gave me this stuff to warm up and put in like 3-4 times a day. It's sooo disgusting. It feels like goo running down the inside of my ear. I want you to get a visual, you may thank me later. hehe. When I lay down I can actually feel it run down the inside of my ear all the way down to my neck. Isn't that lovely? It helps for a little while... it's come and gone. I just wish I was over this crap already.

I went home for the weekend... nothing is different. There's still a lot of definite tension in the air. I didn't feel great so I slept a lot. Kind of nice not being woken up. I tried to initiate a conversation to talk about things with Joe... but Nikki was always around or he was gone. I give up. I'm going to write him a letter. and be completely honest with my feelings and everything. He'll hate me forever I'm sure since I'm leaving, but I've already lost him so what difference does it make? I'm tired of pretending everything in the last 7 months has been easy, tired of pretending that everything is ok, because it's not.

I didn't talk to TJ much all weekend. He worked 12 hour shifts, so understandable and I didnt push the issue.

**__EDIT__** he called! I get to see him tomorrow!!! :-)

Bill and I talked a lot on the phone this weekend. He's a pretty funny guy, sweetheart too.

I'm trying to be patient, and go about my life as if everything is completely ok. It's hard at times. If I keep myself busy, I don't think about things and that's where I get into trouble. I like staying busy. I'm about to take a huge step in my life.... some of you may think it's wrong, some of you won't. I'm doing what's in my best interest as well as my family's for right now.

I'm going to start moving out this Thursday. Part of me doesn't want to, but I know this will be better for me. It's going to kill me to move back to a po-dunk town where everything closes at 9-10pm... haha (trust me, no toilet paper... everythings closed, you're screwed!) I'll be up here closer to my best friend. She's moving in with me into the house next to both of our parents. It's a pretty neat house. 5 bedrooms. It's old tho... even still has shag carpet... and I'm talkin yellow orange puke colored shag carpet. It's great. We won't even have to pay rent, just pay for utilities... but that runs pretty high. well over $250. Still seems like a good deal to me. We cleaned a lot of it, since it's been shut up for so many months... the mold, and musty smells - ewwww. But it's all better now!

I figured I will kill a lot of birds with one stone. I'll help take care of my family, save money, be close to friends and family... get a decent job instead of crappy ones. I'll go back to school at Trenton next semester. Now tell me does that seem like such a bad idea?

I'll only be an hour and a half away. You dorks can come see me and stay over (I have like 3 extra bedrooms with beds lol) and I'll come to KC as much as I can. It's not the end of the world.... I don't know who I'm trying to convince... you or me? lol...

Anyway, thats all, I'm out.