Ok so here goes...

I blamed myself for days. Wondering what I did wrong. Asking myself ridiculous silly questions such as "why couldn't I be more pretty?" "why couldn't I lose the weight I had gained?" "why can't the one person I am so in love with, love me back?"

Then I woke up.

I shouldn't even be thinking these things. I didn't do anything wrong. This is not my fault. So what if I gained some weight and I'm not like 120 lbs now? Big Deal. I shouldn't have to change the way I am to please anyone else. Why do I feel like I have to be different? Why does it bother me so much?

Maybe I don't have a sickingly thin body, but I'm not absolutely revolting. I am nice to almost everyone I meet. I'm not ugly. I love to laugh and smile, and I try to make it as contagious as I can. I don't annoy people. so what am I doing wrong?

Every relationship in the past has always ended over some ridiculous thing. These guys tell me they have all these feelings for me, that they love me so much, that I'm wonderful, that I'm beautiful... then one day, all of a sudden, all those feelings just disappear. and they try to hide it until they can get the balls to tell me. I get upset, I let it bother me. I sit here and feel sorry for myself. I'm not going to do this anymore.

I AM going to lose more weight. Right now, I fit into pants/jeans about 3 sizes smaller than I wore in August. I think that's a pretty good start. I'm not going to be a size 3 or maybe even a size 6. I'm going to work my hardest and get to something I feel even more comfortable with. For the longest time, I was gaining weight because I was depressed and I ate to comfort myself... I felt bad about it for a long time, but I had no desire to ever change it. I am comfortable with my body for the most part, but I'd love to be smaller, to fit in "normal" clothing again. I am going to do this. but I'm not going to do it for You .

As for things that people think. I am not going to pretend to be someone else for anyone. I will not lie for anyone to cover for them. I will not change for you. You just have to accept this. If you can't love me for me, and all that I am, I don't need you in my life.

I sat around thinking for the longest time. How I'd never amount to anything. How I'd always be a loser. I sat around and let myself BELIEVE that. I let the world pass me by. Not this time.

I'm getting up off my ass, and I'm making changes in my life. I'm finally getting somewhere, it may be slow and seem like nothing to you, but it's everything to me.

This isn't just one inspirational weekend.. you may laugh and say, it won't last, but I'm determined to prove you wrong.