Today has been a crappy day. I have so many things going though my mind right now that I don't know where to start. I can't stand me, right now. So much, that it's really irritating me and leaves me restless and confused.

I put myself in a really bad situation and screwed things up so badly right now that I don't know if they'll ever be the same again. Sure - I have a house to live in and some food to eat. I guess I should be thankful for what I do have... but that's not a whole lot.

I'm not mad at anyone else. I'm mad at myself. I can't blame anyone... but me. I ignore what's going on around me sometimes... that's my way of handling "tough" situations. I can't believe how stupid I am. Here, I portray myself as some real responsible, reliable, independent young adult. When in all actuality... I am not. I have a lot of growing up to do. My parents have helped me out of so many troubles, out of so many situations that I would have easily been screwed in. Everyone reaches a limit at one point. You can only do so much for someone else then it's beyond your control. They've reached it. There's nothing no one can do but me and I don't know where to turn, how to get myself out of this mess.

I thought moving up here was a good idea. I thought that it would solve my problems. All it's done is created more. I just ran away from them temporarily. Eventually everything catches up to you. I have all these great and wonderful friends. I would do anything for them. I would lay down my life for them. Drop whatever I was doing and help them with everything in my power that I was capable of. Where are those friends when I need them for a change? No where to be found.

It's time to get a real job. Something I actually make money at. I can't be picky anymore. It's time to grow up.

My biggest fear is that my car will be soon repossessed. I don't have the money to pay for it anymore. I will never catch up at this rate. I wish I could say money would solve everything. Isn't that everyone's case? Sure, Money would help. If I had like $1000 or so. Hell, that'd be just great right now. My car wouldn't be in jeopardy. I would be able to pay something else off.

I don't know what I was thinking... that none of this would happen? that i was invincable. Who am I kidding?

I am kicking myself for getting attached to Scott. I tried to let things go as they were meant to be. Just let nature take it's course. I spent too much time with him... I am so attached to him and we're not even anything really. I guess. Nothings been mentioned of a title of boyfriend/girlfriend. I wasn't too worried about it. I knew he made me happy, I didn't care. He does make me happy. He makes me laugh. He listens to me when I need it. He holds me and hugs me when I need it. Kisses me and tells me things will be ok. Then I move almost 2 hours away. I should be thankful that its not so far away. But there's nights like tonight... where it's the hardest time of the year for me. I don't deal with New Years well. I need him now. But I have to be up here... because I can't afford to come down. His car is broken down. He has no way to come up here.

It just frustrates me to no end that I feel like everything is so overwhelming and there is no hope in fixing any of it. I know I can change things... but it's going to take me forever. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling this way about myself.